I haven’t written in a while, mainly because I haven’t had much to say. Well actually I’ve had plenty to say, I just didn’t know how to say it.
I started to feel a lot better; I’d actually have days where I barely even thought about my obsessions. But for some reason they started creeping back into my mind and they’ve got a pretty tight grip on my wellbeing at the moment. I’m really trying to keep busy and keep positive but it’s so hard when your brain is constantly shooting you down and telling you that you’re a liar, an outcast, you’re worthless.
My CBT sessions finished last week and I felt so overwhelmed leading up to it that my mental health took another big dip. I broke down in one of the sessions and the therapists asked me to stay behind. I didn’t tell them exactly what my thoughts were but how they’re manifesting in my mind, causing me to become depressed and anxious. To have them take me seriously and not turn me away was amazing. They said that I must be finding these obsessive thoughts exhausting and that they thought I would benefit from one on one therapy with high intensity CBT. I took an OCD questionnaire and the week after they told me that I would be put on the waiting list for this more intense therapy. I wanted to hug them and cry but too scared of human contact I just told them that I was grateful for how much they have helped me over the past two months.
Saturday morning I received a letter in the post confirming that I had completed the group CBT sessions and that it is believed I would benefit from having further therapy. It felt like finally my problems were being addressed – that I had confirmation that there is something wrong with me. That my thoughts are not real; I’m aware they are real but what I mean is, is that they don’t make me, me. They’re the normal intrusive thoughts that every single human being has, except my brain decides to hold on to them. I’m hoping I don’t have to wait too long for therapy, as right now I’m not feeling great.
The thoughts have started again and I’ve started to scan my body for signs or sensations that confirm my obsessions – basically I’m giving in to the OCD. But how can I not when avoidance is said to be just as damaging as compulsions?
I’ve downloaded a meditation app, a running app. I’m eating loads of fruit, I’m reading lots, I’m going to yoga, I’m writing more articles, I’m going for dinner with friends, I stay in bed with my boyfriend all day – kissing and hugging and playing. But literally nothing is stopping me from wanting all of this to stop, to end.
I’m not going to stop trying, I’m not ready to give up on myself yet. But I desperately need the help that is available to those suffering with mental health.