It’s pretty scary how easily my mood can change at the moment. I feel myself drifting in and out of different states of mind, with none of them sitting particularly comfortable with me. I’m struggling to laugh; I’m finding things humorous but I can’t seem to physically laugh. It’s as though my brain is saying “I really don’t think you should be enjoying yourself right now, do you?“.

It’s exhausting and unsettling – I feel like I’m just a ghostly version of myself. The intrusive thoughts threaten to step in to compensate for my lack of personality but I’m getting better at telling myself that those thoughts are not me, they do not define me, they do not speak for me.

Thinking of a time where I felt totally carefree seems like decades ago. It makes me wonder whether I have ever really felt at ease, comfortable and happy, or whether this has always been my constant state and I’m just more in tune with it.

Looking back through my posts I can literally visualize a graph of myself; my ups and downs, highs and lows. I guess this is all part of recovery and progress. I just wish it would lighten up a bit.

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