Disappointment

I feel so disappointed and disillusioned at the moment. My meds just don’t seem to be working how they did before, and the OCD and anxiety are flaring up everyday. My thoughts are so obsessive, they literally nag at me all day until I feel like a nervous wreck. I don’t want to tell my parents because they think I’m doing better, which compared to a month or so ago I am – but I just don’t feel right. I feel as though I’m in someone else’s body.

Thursday will be my first group therapy session, and then I’ve got 6 further sessions booked in. Which means time off work but hopefully I can arrange working from home with my manager. I’m looking forward to getting stuck in with the CBT, but I also feel like having sessions to go to doesn’t let me get on with things – it’s all quite confusing to me.

When I’m telling someone I love them, I feel like a liar. Do I really love you? Because right now I don’t feel anything apart from shame and worry. It’s awful, I feel like my life is a sham, that no one really knows the real me – even I don’t know who I am anymore.

I can’t tell you how much I want to start feeling better. I’ve been really trying – I honestly have. I’ve been pushing myself to go out with friends, to continue with my yoga classes, to get stuck in at work. But none of it lessens my struggle. I really thought that the medication would have started to help me by now. I’ve got the doctors in a few weeks so I’ll be sure to discuss it with them.

I just want to feel normal again.

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